Better To Have Loved
by Tiggy the Hopeless Romantic
Summary: Seventeen year old Elphaba has a dream of a bloodied young man. What happens when she meets the living version of him. Can she save him or is he meant to die? Bookverse Fiyeraba. Very mild M. Complete 10.12.08
1. If The Sun Went Down Tomorrow

OK, I know I shouldn't be doing this. School has been death, and I'm already barely managing a chapter a week. BUT... this wouldn't leave me alone. I'll try to update Beauty tomorrow. I'm both off work and off from color guard. Of course, that probably just means I'll have like three essays to do and a new article for newspaper.

Ahem. My personal problems don't really matter to you, do they? Don't answer that. Anyway, this one's a little different. It's bookverse Fiyeraba, but it's darker than my normal stuff.

I realize some people might not enjoy this story's darker tone. But this is probably my favorite idea for a fanfic that I've ever had.

Also... I'm a Renthead at heart. So I'm huring kind of a lot today. Ask the BAS. I've been a mess. So this story is dedicated to Jonathan Larson's masterpiece that is Rent... I hope that means I don't die upon completing this story...

* * *

_He laid in the middle of the floor in that cold, silent room. He wasn't resting- his chest didn't rise and fall with his breath. He was dead. She fell to her knees beside him, touched him chest. She stared in horror at him, looking at those beautiful blue diamonds, praying he was somehow only asleep. His body was cooling. The blood that covered the floor was sticky and thick. There was no way anyone could survive loosing that much blood. Snow fell in through the broken skylight, wisping in, melting on her skin. This was her worst fear. This was-_

"Elphie!" Glinda sat next to her on the bed, gently shaking her by the shoulder. "Elphaba, wake up."

Elphaba's eyes fluttered open. "What is it? What time is it?" She fumbled for her glasses on the bedside table, smoothing loose hair out of her face. Beyond Glinda, the window showed it was still dark.

"A little after three." She handed her the glasses, looking worried. "You were screaming in your sleep. Are you alright?"

Elphaba didn't know. The... dream, had it only been a dream? No matter what it was, it was horrible. She could still feel the sting of the melting snow on her skin. Who had been the man lying dead on the floor of that room? Even still and bleeding it was easy to see he was beautiful. It wasn't a word she normally applied to men, but it was appropriate. Not the feminine beauty her roommate possessed. No...

Glinda still stared at her. She forced herself to say, "I'm fine. Must've been some dream, right?" She heard an odd, hollow sound that must've been the laugh she choked out of her throat.

"Are you sure you're feeling alright? Do you want to talk about it?" Glinda grabbed er hand, twining them together, giving a light comfortable squeeze.

She shook her head, looking past Glinda's concerned face and at the ceiling. "No, I'm fine. You need your sleep, anyway. It's late."

"But if you're upset-"

"Lyn, please. Go back to sleep. A bad dream isn't a big deal, I'm a big girl. I know it wasn't real."

After a hard look, Glinda relented. She made a show of tucking her roommate back into bed and made her promise to say something if she had another nightmare, or suddenly decided she did need to talk. "I'm just asking you not to forget I'm here for you, Elphie. I wouldn't think less of you for being afraid."

"Good night, Glinda. I'll see you in a few hours."

"Good night."

Elphaba tossed and turned for a few hours until Nanny came in to wake the girls up. She couldn't get the image of those bloody, beautiful blue diamonds out of her head.

* * *

She felt herself nodding off in the back of the classroom. She could never remember falling asleep in class before, but it was hard to pay attention to Doctor Nikidik. She could only make out about half of what he said, the way he mumbled. The fact that he competed against Doctor Dillamond's lively, interesting, thought provoking lectures didn't help his cause any. Besides that, the hall was warm and she had only gotten about four hours of sleep the night before. Boq kept poking her in the ribs, "Miss Elphie, what's wrong with you? Are you sick?"

"I'm fine. Aren't I allowed to be tired? Half the time you fall asleep in class. Am I not allowed to do the same upon occasion?"

"You always yell at me when I do that. Besides, if you fall asleep, and then I fall asleep, who's notes am I supposed to copy?"

Elphaba inclined her head to Avaric. Who was drawing obscene body parts on the back of his notebook. "Maybe Master Avaric will be able to tell you about the lesson. Or you could try staying awake for this once- "

"Look! It's a Winkie!" Boq pointed to a door near the stage, Elphaba and Avaric both looking.

Before she could correct Boq and tell him the proper term was 'Vinkun', she realized something. The young man who had walked into the room had blue diamonds patterned along his dark skin. Beautiful blue diamonds, just like the dead man from her nightmare. He also had the same waving dark brown hair pulled back out of his face.

The Winkie was a slightly younger version of the man from her dream. She didn't even think about how she had subconsciously used a derogatory term. She felt like throwing up and wished she had stayed home like Glinda had suggested.

The enchanted antlers, some bi-product of Doctor Nikidik's demonstration gone wrong, seemed to attack him. Everyone watched in silence until Crope and Tibbett got up from their seats, down in front and got the magic antlers away from the new boy. He slumped against the wall, visibly shaken. Nikidik scolded him for not arriving to class on time, but the boy didn't pay attention to him.

Boq was too excited to notice her Elphaba's color fade and Avaric didn't care enough to comment. "What does he wear such silly paint? It only attracts attention to him." He rolled his eyes in an obnoxiously superior way. "I wouldn't want skin the color of shit."

Out of instinct and the desire to appear like nothing was the matter, she shot back, "If you ask me, that's a shitty opinion."

"Sorry Elphie. I forgot skin color was your issue, too." Only he wasn't sorry.

"Next week I'm sitting with Crope and Tibbett!" Boq said, annoyed with his companions. He shook his head as he watched at the boy sitting on the stage. "What an awful welcome to Shiz!" By this point he noticed something had been wrong in Elphaba's voice. It hadn't held the venom it normally did when speaking with Avaric. "Elphie, are you alright?"

"Yes," she lied. "I just didn't sleep well. That was why I kept nodding off."

He studied her. "Nikidik just dismissed us. Let's stop at the Cafe and get something to eat. It'll do you good." She nodded and followed him out of the auditorium, at the very least glad to be away from Avaric's biting remarks. As they walked out the door, they passed the Vinkun boy. Like there was a magnet between them, he looked up at her as she passed him. She stopped mid-stride but didn't know what to say.


	2. I Dared To Go

There was no questioning the fact that he was a young version of the man in her dream. She had been so sure it was a normal nightmare. Horrific and frightening, but normal. She had thought it no different then when she was seven and one of the older boys in the Quadling Village they were staying in told her that at night bodies in the cemetery could rise and attack things they dislike... like little green girls. She had had nightmares for weeks after that, before her poor mother(only a few weeks before she died) noticed she wasn't sleeping through the night, sat her down, and explained that the dead were dead.

Elphaba still did not like cemeteries much. But who did?

What if it wasn't just an oddly timed dream? Nanny had never let anything simply be a coincidence. Everything was a sign, to her. A message from Lurline. Elphaba didn't know about Lurline, but she couldn't get the idea of a message out of her head. She had had a dream of a dead young man, bleeding on the floor. And now she met that man, a few years younger. Alive and well. What happened to him to make that happen to happen? What had he done, who had he wronged? Or was it a blind murder? Was he an innocent bi-stander in the wrong place at the wrong time?

What was she supposed to do? Was she supposed to do anything? Why should she care. She didn't know him. Perhaps he deserved that fate? But she was drawn to him. When she had passed him on her way out of the room, she had felt something. A draw. Perhaps she was supposed to protect him. That was why she was so drawn to him. Some magical draw...

_Or maybe it's just the everyday draw of attraction. You ever think of that? Not everything has to have some mystic purpose. You're attracted to him._

But she didn't like the sound of that thought. Besides, even if she was attracted to him(which she was not ready to admit), that didn't explain her dream in the least.

All the same, a week later when Crope brought him along(Tibbett pretended not to be sore over this), introducing him as Prince Fiyero of the Arjiki, she felt some twinge in her. And she felt something deeper when he shyly explained the basic details of his life- namely the fact that he had been married to a child bride at the age of seven. She refused to admit it was disappointment.

So she let herself have stew all night. Nessa had a headache and had decided to stay home. Nanny had been reluctant to let her other two charges out alone, unchaperoned, but Boq had spoke up for them, saying they would be with a group and he would personally make sure for the girls' safety. She had held back her desire to say that she was probably just as tough, push come to shove as he was. Boq had never been less than a good friend to her and she knew that sometimes her sarcasm cut deeper than she meant it to.

Not that she particularly wanted to go out. Glinda didn't either. The pretty blonde was stewing over their previous minder's new found illness. But the both of them wanted to appear as if nothing were the matter. She because she didn't want anyone to fuss over her. Glinda because she didn't want to appear less than flawless.

She never expected to wind up sitting at a table alone with the Prince. Before she had really noticed it, it seemed as if every member of the little group had slunk off to some corner of the pub. They had left Elphaba to stew and desperate to relieve the awkwardness of sitting across from him, she asked why he was still sitting here alone.

He seemed surprised to hear her speak- she had been quieter than usual all day. "I don't really... I didn't want to overstep my bounds. I already feel a bit like someone's kid brother just tagging along."

She frowned. "Did Avaric already get to you? Trust me, he's like that to everyone and-"

"Well, no. Not just him... I mean Crope, that is his name, isn't it? Crope was friendly. But he and his... friend seem to be having some sort of spat. Or they were."

Elphaba looked up. The two of them were speaking in hushed voices, just beyond the bar. Tibbett seemed to be giving Crope a piece of his mind. But they seemed to be well on their way to making up. "More than friend, I'm afraid."

He blinked twice, took another look at the duo, and took a swig of his drink. "I didn't realize they were... involved. Do you think he... I'm not... Not that there's anything wrong with-"

She laughed, not unkindly. "Relax, I get it. I think Tibbett was concerned his boyfriend had taken a fancy to you, but I don't think either of them are thinking about you at the moment." The two of them watched as the couple quite litteraly kissed and made up. "Though I don't think that will be much of an issue anymore."

"I am not in the Vinkus anymore, am I?" He asked, a little flustered.

"No, no you're not."

He hung his head. "I guess you could say I'm a little out of my element here. I didn't really know Gillikin was so different from the Vinkus. I don't know what I was expecting, but I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb."

She laughed, "You stick out? Stay with me, no one will think you're odd when they have me for comparison. You're out of your element? I don't even know what my element is." She had meant the comment to be sarcastic, but there was no bite to it. "Oh, I said too much. I always do that. I didn't mean to get so serious."

"No, it's alright," he assured her. They lapsed back into an awkward silence.

Eventually she broke it with, "What exactly are we supposed to call you? You're highness?" She raised her eyebrow as she tried to supress a grin.

"No, no, no!" He seemed amused, thinking about something else. "It's silly and it's not really a big deal. Fiyero, that's all you need to call me. Master Fiyero if you absolutely must."

"Then I'll expect you to call me Elphaba, no Miss, and no mention of my being the Thropp Third Decending of Munchkinland."

"Agreed. Nice to meet you, Elphaba."

"The same, Fiyero." They lapsed back into silence, but this time it was comfortable, not awkward. A mutual understanding of each other and nothing more.


	3. Never Knew

I would've had this out to you on Sunday, but as I was typing my power went out. And it didn't come back until this morning. And then some guy in our apartment complex never turned his oven off, so when the power came back when he wasn't home, he almost started a fire. All I can say is that if that hurricane managed to hit Cincinnati, Ohio, I don't even want to know what it did to Houston. I hope everyone is OK. My school has been closed all week, and I've heard it might not open back up until Monday. I'm not quite sure if I think that's a good thing or a bad thing. Good if there are no consequences. Bad if the teachers decide to cram two weeks worth of stuff into one.

* * *

Glinda had grown to resent some aspects of her reputation over the past few weeks. At the very least, she resented the assumption that she was ignorant. Granted, she had been more than surprised at the amount of work Shiz required of her, but she had gotten to the school on her own merit. Her teachers in the Gillikin had always thought she was bright. It was simply her ambition to be the most desired, most beautiful, most admired young woman around. It was her friendly, slightly gullible nature that made others assume she was simply a dumb blonde. She could take care of herself need be. And she often resented her well intentioned roommate's protective nature.

But when her normally over protective roommate suddenly wasn't paying her a lick of attention... well, it was surprising. Elphaba didn't actually seem to be paying any attention to anyone. She was staring up at their room's ceiling, not showing any sign of being aware of what was going on around her. And she was smiling.

Glinda tried to pretend it didn't bother her. She changed into one of her nightgowns, brushing her hair a hundred strokes to assure it's shine. Once she was finished she stared into her mirror, trying to decide if putting it on rollers would be a waste of time. "Elphie, what do you think?" she asked.

"Hmm? Yes."

Glinda frowned. Had Elphaba even heard what she had said? She hadn't even looked to see what her hair looked like. And it hadn't been a yes or no question, anyway. Well... there was one way to be sure. "Elphie, I was thinking of sneaking out tonight. Maybe meet up with Avaric at the Philosophy Club. See what the hubbub is all about. I think I'll wear that little dress Pfannee just bought, the one cut down to _here _that her Ama doesn't know about. Does that sound like a good idea?"

"Yeah... whatever you want."

Alright, that was it. Glinda hopped onto the bed, startling her roommie. "OK, now I know you haven't been listening to me all night. What is it? You've been drifting off in your own little world ever since we came home."

"I'm fine," she insisted. Glinda rolled her eyes and settled into the bed with her, pulling Elphaba's navy blue blanket over them both.

"I didn't mean I thought something was wrong, I just meant something was different. You seem happy."

"It's so different for me to be happy?" Her voice was far away, somehow. Like she was drifiting off again.

"Unfortunatly, yes." Glinda poked her friend's shoulder, playful, to make sure she held her attention if nothing else. "I'm not complaining, though. Well, I'm not complaining unless you go back to ignoring me."

"Sorry about that. I just have a lot on my mind."

Slight concern wrinkled Glinda's forehead. "Want to talk about it? Why you aren't your normally morose self?"

"It's nothing, really. I'm fine. I just feel like something's coming, changing. I don't know if it's something good or something bad. Something wonderful or horrible or maybe somehow both at the same time." She rolled her eyes in annoyance with herself. "Really, when did I get so mushy and philosophical? I don't sound like myself at all." She let out a heavy sigh. "Besides, when has anything really good ever come my way? Whatever's coming is probably bad. I don't know why I would suspect anything else."

"Really, Elphaba, stop it. This world isn't all horror. Maybe you only feel like something horrible is going to happen because you can't let yourself enjoy the good? Maybe if you let yourself enjoy the good that came your way the bad wouldn't matter so much."

"You're thinking again!" A smile lit up Elphaba's face. "Are you saying you think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy? I just think bad things are going to happen and so they do?"

Glinda scowled- it was easier not to think so much. She didn't want her best friend to get used to it. "And that the bad things wouldn't be so bad if you let yourself enjoy the good." She propped herself up on her elbows. "I don't know what I'm talking about though. I don't really understand half of what I'm saying."

At Glinda's first sign of retreating back into the pretty blonde facade, Elphaba locked up to. "Nothing good will come, anyway. Why should anything good come?"

Their gentle friendship faded, both having sunken back into themselves. As Glinda climbed out of the bed so they both could sleep, she gave one look back. For a moment she wanted to press her friend for what had her out of sorts. But the moment for genuine conversation had passed.


	4. On The Edge Of The Cliff

Elphaba's odd behavior wasn't over that night. The next day she told Glinda she wanted to go out with the group again. Something she normally only tolerated at someone else's urging. She tried to question her best friend's motive, but got no real answer. "Aren't you the one who's always encouraging me to be more social?"

"Aren't you the one who never listened to me?" Glinda shot back, her hands resting on her hips.

"You confuse not _listening_ with not _obeying_. I always _listened _to you when you told me to be more friendly. I just didn't _obey_ your advice." She picked up her bag. "But now I am obeying. Aren't you pleased?" she asked, pulling on her cloak.

"Ecstatic... though I'm sure you're up to something, now." She found her own light purple cloak and pulled it on.

"I'm not that calculated," Elphaba insisted.

"I'm not that gullible." But she frowned and admitted, "I can't figure out your reasoning. But, since I can't see us having anything to loose, let's go."

The two of them made their way to their little group's favorite pub, meeting up with the others. Glinda watched as Elphaba seemed to pull into herself, quieter than usual. Not quite aloof- more like contemplative. She didn't know if she was the only one who noticed or not, Avaric managing to monopolize the conversation- and suggesting the Philosophy Club yet again, now to the only member of the group who didn't know what it was.

"C'mon, isn't the Vinkus full of adventure? How about a little fine Gillikinese adventure? Different brand, but I'm sure it's just as thrilling." He gave a broad smile.

"Avaric," Boq tried to temper him. He was now used to being the one to make sure his friend caused no real trouble.

From his reaction (as well as the faces of the others), Fiyero realized the Club was probably not the best place to be. Trying to be diplomatic about it, "I really don't think that would be the best place for me."

"Oh, come now. Shiz is welcoming to everyone: mineral, animal, vegetable." He shifted in his seat to give Elphaba a bright, false smile. "Right, Elphie?"

"Right," she said, but it was easy to see her calm fade; she threw down her napkin and got up, nearly knocking over her glass in the process. She was out the door before anyone could stop her.

"Elphie!" Glinda called after her, but she didn't slow down.

"Avaric, really, why is it her you always have to pick on?" Boq asked him, annoyed, halfway out of his seat to folow her. Glinda was as well, but Fiyero was already out the door to chase after her.

She'd made good time, nearly sprinting back to the school and to the comforts- or at least relative privacy her door room offered. "Elphaba!" She made no sign of stopping or even acknowledging that he had spoken. He tried calling her again. "Elphaba, slow down, I'll run if I have to, but I don't want to make a scene!"

That finally got her to turn around and stop. "Fiyero, like yelling across the market place isn't already making a scene?" She gestured to those around them, staring, wondering what the intrigue was.

Color rose in his cheeks, he made a little waive of apology for the loudness and quickly walked over to her side. "Got you to stop, didn't it?" He tried to get her to smile but it didn't quite work. "I'm sorry."

She gave him an odd look. "What in the world do you have to be sorry for? It was Avaric that upset me, not you."

"But I still feel like it was my fault-"

"Trust me, it isn't your fault you accidentally set his insult up for him. He can twist anything into a way to hurt someone's feelings." Sensing she wouldn't be going anywhere for a little while, she sat down on a park bench alongside the road. "And he's an expert on getting under my skin." She folded her arms over her chest, not looking at him.

"Then don't let him bother you. He's just one person. And from what I could tell, the others seemed to prefer you to him."

"Nessarose is my sister, Glinda is my best friend, and I'm Boq's link to Glinda. Yes, the three of them probably do prefer me to Avaric. But the rest of Oz I doubt agrees."

"Well, I agree." And that was when she felt his hand rest on her shoulder. "And I doubt he really meant anything by it."

"You're right. It's his reflex to turn anything around and throw it in my face." Why was she having this conversation with him? Just because she had had some bizarre dream, a nightmare, just because she was attracted to him... it didn't mean she had to open up to him, tell him everything. Didn't mean he would care. Didn't mean anything changed. That fluke of a dream, surely it meant nothing.

But he was still there, comforting her even though they barely knew each other. Sitting next to her, nearly alone but those passing by. And they paid no mind. The two of them were nearly close enough to kiss. And... was he really leaning closer to her?

And then he got off of the bench in a hurry, hands held up in defense. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I thought you- I'll just go," she said, grabbing her things.

"Elphie, stop. I'm sorry, I didn't mean... It isn't you."

She shook her head. "Stop it. Just let me go, don't pull 'It's not you, it's me.' I'm fine." She dropped her bag, it's contents landing on the floor. "Damn it!" She dropped down to pick up her things, and he helped her.

"I think this really is an occasion where it can be a 'it's not you, it's me' case. I'm _married_,"

She hadn't expected that. She gave him a skeptical look. "What?"

"We marry young back there." At her horrified look, he explained. "And don't think _that_! It's only an agreement between our parents until we're adults. We won't live together or anything until I'm about twenty or so."

"But all the same, you're married," she clarified.

"Yes," he confirmed. "It wasn't something I asked for. I never questioned it either, until I came here."

"But you're questioning it now?"

He looked down. "Please don't make me answer that question." But the look in his eyes...

"Goodnight Fiyero," she said, wondering if he had been born to plague her. His kindness, his charm. The memory of the dream of him, dead. The knowledge that even if he wanted her they wouldn't be together. It was too much in that moment and she simply went home. When Glinda came in to find her she registered that the lightness her best friend had held was gone.


	5. I Could Feel What I Feel

_His hand cups her face, raising her chin to extend the line of her neck, giving him better access. She can feel his lips touch the skin there. She feels herself smile at him, enjoying the tender gesture. This wasn't how things were supposed to be, but she didn't mind. Being unconventional was how she lived. Why should her love life be any different?_

_But she freezes when she thinks of one way in which she was as normal as any woman. She slides one of her hands between them, letting it rest on her stomach. He clearly felt her shift, turns so he can look her in the eye. He asks her what's the matter without even having to speak, asking her just with the eyes. She leans up to kiss him, assuring him that it's nothing. To herself, she admits that it definitely isn't nothing, the possibility of a child is definitely something._

_She lets herself drown in him. She would tell him soon, she would. Maybe the next morning, even. But for the night he was her release, her Prince, her hero. She could pretend to be beautiful, she could pretend to be normal, she could be better than normal as long as he held her and the night enveloped them both._

She sits up in bed. Luckily, the dream held no horror. She hadn't woken Glinda up with a scream again, and for that she was grateful. Glinda was already to concerned about her as it was. Nothing was really wrong with her, anyway.

Yeah, having dreams about one of your friends lying dead is normal. Dreaming you've fallen in love with him, possibly pregnant with his child is normal. Having a crush on him in the present, even after you know he's better married since he was a child is normal. The fact that he might like you back even though he's married is normal.

Was the dream just a dream? She'd never had one before, but she supposed... fantasies were normal, no matter how awkward that was to admit. But that dream had seemed more than a fantasy or wish fulfillment. For one thing, she could think of no reason why her subconscious would have her with child. That wasn't a wish she had ever had.

The room had been the same. She hadn't paid close attention to the room. But she'd looked up at one point in both dreams. Both dreams she had looked up at rafters and a skylight. Wood paneling. It was the same room. It had also been a room she had never been in before. It was more than a dream. Was it a prophecy? Would she one day be with him, fall in love with him? Find him dead?

One thing she was sure of: there would be no more sleep for her that morning. It was the weekend, most of Shiz would be enjoying the extra rest. The sun was still low in the sky, but it was officially day. She dressed and left a note for Glinda on her pillow. She didn't want to wake her roommate, but also didn't want her to worry. She needed to think and the room felt stifling. She pulled her cloak on and walked out the door, eager to be alone.

Which is why she was so startled when she walked out the doors of Crage Hall and saw Fiyero sitting on one of the park benches outside the dormitory. Unable to hold back her tongue, she snipped at him. "What the hell are you doing here?"

He blinked, determined not to be put off by her reaction. He'd startled her and no one was particularly pleasant at seven in the morning. "I wanted to talk to you about what happened last night. And I figured the best way to do that was sit outside your dorm because you had to come outside eventually."

Unable to even think about him wanting to talk to her, she focused on the one thing she could grasp. "So you've been sitting out here like a stalker for how long, exactly?"

He frowned, realizing he had been a bit extreme in his methods. "It was still dark when I got here," he admitted, not wanting to freak her out but wanting to lie even less. Eager to get the conversation off of his stalker-like behavior, he quickly said, "And I haven't eaten; you haven't yet, either, have you? Would you like to go get something with me?"

She looked down and he couldn't read her expression. "I-"

"Elphie, I'm sorry. I promise I'm not going to rob you or rape you. I just want to talk."

She still hesitated, but she had relaxed somewhat. "Won't the cafes still be closed?"

"Not by the time we walk there." And so they walked together, careful to keep a respectful distance between them.

* * *

She tried not to make a face when he pulled her chair out for her, despite being slightly impressed by the gesture. It would've been kind of nice had they both been normal, with no wives or odd dreams or odd skin. "So. Talk," she commanded once they were both settled and had ordered.

"Something happened between us last night. Do you agree?"

She glanced away. "I thought you were going to talk, not question me."

"Please? I need to know what you think so I know what we need to talk about." He tried to tease her. "And you've never objected to talking before."

"Funny," she rolled her eyes at him and looked away. Staring at the salt shaker on their table, she was able to admit, "Yes."

"Elphie, look at me."

Annoyed and not able to look him in the eye, anyway, she snapped at him. "What's with this Elphie? First Boq calls me that because that's what Mother called me when I was little. And now everyone does."

"I thought Fabala was your old nickname?"

"Mother didn't like it. So Papa called me that to spite her, and Nessa mimicked him. And those are the only two people who I let call me that." She crossed her arms and still looked down at the table.

"Fine. I'll call you Fae then. If I'm not allowed either of your other nicknames."

"I don't see what's so wrong with _Elphaba_," she said.

"Nothing's wrong with it, but if everyone else is allowed to call you something special... Now, why are you so good at distracting me?"

"Because I don't really want to be having this conversation." She smiled as their food came just then.

He frowned. "You're not getting out of this. We can talk and eat at the same time."

She swallowed a forkful of eggs. "What do we even have to discuss?"

"The fact that something happened last night and that I'm married." He began with, "Fae, I never even thought about any options before last night. But I did think about it last night. And all I was able to come up with was that I needed to know how you felt."

"I feel like..." she closed her eyes, wondering exactly she felt. A thought dream-Elphaba had had crossed her mind. "This isn't how things are supposed to be, but I don't know if I mind. Being unconventional is how I live. Why should my," she swallowed hard, forcing the next sentence out. "Love life be any different?"

The word love hung over them in the air. He considered it, and considered the fact that her discomfort was tangible. "We don't have to decide anything right now. We can be... friends, surely."

"Will that really work?" she asked as she drank a bit of the tea in front of her.

"It's better than nothing. Unless you would prefer to have nothing."

"No. I want something," she admitted to him, "But I don't know if I can have it." She was thinking of more than his marriage. She was thinking of what would happen to him. Was this simply the beginning of the end."

"My marriage... I don't want you to worry about that. I know it does matter, but I'm sure I can think of something." But it was clear on his face that he was trying to assure himself that all was fine as much as he was assuring her. "I mean, I'm a Prince, right? I can think of something for Sarima. I can..."

He trailed off and they lasped into silence for the rest of the meal. She wanted to tell him his wife was the least of her worries. She didn't even know if she minded being the other woman. It was the fact that their relationship could very well proove fatal, and he knew nothing of it. It was too much to think about, and she focused on trying to eat even though she didn't have much of an appetite.

When they'd finished, she noticed he was watching her. "What now?"

"Wondering if you will bite my head off if I insist on paying for your food."

"Probably."

"Tough, I'd already decided I was paying." He had the check in hand and had waived their waitress over before she could stop him. She forced herself not to smile, not wanting to enjoy the gesture, being taken care of for once. But he caught the almost smile, and she felt herself lift, just a little. And she felt hope.


	6. A Trip To The Sky

And that was the way things went for a few weeks as the season changed from Fall to Winter and Lurlinemas approached. They took slow, tentative steps together, unsure where it would lead. The others held their tongues for once. The Charmed Circle never stuck to the polite manners their parents wished for them to have. Yet they knew to respect the fledgelings romance between their friends. Even Avaric left them alone (after a few harsh looks from Boq, anyway). Elphaba was sure they all had their thoughts on things, but for once they knew better than to voice them.

In truth, there was little that could be said. The odd little relationship was hardly more than a friendship. Sitting beside each other when they would eat with the group... and sometimes going off on their own. He would normally meet her after her classes, occasionally even managing to wrestle her books away from her. It was on one such afternoon when she complained to him and anyone else who happened to be listening, "I can't stand Life Sciences anymore. Nikidik is so biased against Animals, it's sickening to listen to."

He grinned. It wasn't the first time she had complained about their professor. "I don't think highly of him. And I doubt he thinks highly of me ever since the debaccle with the antlers."

She frowned. "That wasn't your fault and it's just another reason for me to dislike him."

"Then don't go to his class, one day won't hurt."

She raised her eyebrow at him. "I've never skipped a class, no matter how much I dislike the teacher."

"Fae, it's hardly skipping class. We've both already turned in our papers and we're just preparing for our final exam. Next semester we've both got a different teacher. Today's class is really just going to be a study hall." He smiled. "And I know you don't need to study. You know the material without even listening to Nikidik."

"True," and she smiled. "But you don't and should study... maybe a day without class wouldn't hurt. I could give myself one of those facials Glinda's been going on about. I can look even more like an avocado than I normally do while you study."

He frowned, not liking that plan so much. "But I will never learn the material without guidance. And who better than to guide me than Shiz's star pupil?" She smiled at the compliment but didn't respond. "C'mon, you know you'd do a better job than Nikidik would. If you care for me at all you'll tutor me," his light manner vanished when he realized he had implied she cared for him. She realized it as well and the air was heavy for a minute.

But only a moment. "I guess I can't let your grade suffer. It would be a community service project to aid my fellow student." She tried in vain to retrieve her book from him, but he wouldn't give it up.

"Uh-uh. If you're helping me, I get to treat you."

She frowned. "Well, should we get to the library then?"

He raised his eyebrow, a trait he had copied from her. "Only you would cut class only to spend your free time in the library." He took her arm and guided her toward the dorms at Ozma Towers, where he stayed. "I have a different idea. Stay here while I go grab a feel things."

She listened, standing awkward outside one of the boys' dorms. She was relieved to see him emerge a few minutes later, carrying his book and a blanket in one hand and a thermos in the other. "What's all this?"

"This is one of the last days before the freeze sets in, so I wanted to spend it outside. That being said, it's still cool. And we couldn't have Madame Tutor freeze, now could we?"

They walked to a little clearing beside the canal feeling leaves and brush crunch under their feet. He laid the blanket out, and they settled down together, quietly quizzing each other on their notes. The thermos contained cocoa, which she was grateful for- the day was cooler than she would have liked and she found herself leaning subconsciously toward the relative warmth Fiyero provided. When he slowly, tentatively put his arm around her she didn't complain a bit.

Eventually the conversation shifted away from biology. "It's pretty here. No one bothered raking the leaves." She picked an orange leaf that had made it's way onto the blanket up, a rare, uncrumbled specimen.

"My favorite thing is when it rains but then it freezes over. It coats the trees in ice and they shine." He leaned backward, shoving his book aside. Propping himself up on his elbows, "The Vinkus is beautiful this time of year. Perhaps even more so because the summers are so hot- the cold is a relief. It's all so humid for months, and then overnight everything freezes. It's a whole new world. Everything become so clear and crisp. Icicles form on the ledges of the castle."

"It must be nice to see," she said with a far away voice, working up the courage to lay back beside him.

When she did, he smiled and said, "It is. I didn't realize how much I would miss it. Everything is so different here- not that all of the differences are bad. So much didn't occur to me until now."

"Like what?" She wasn't sure she really wanted him to answer.

"For one that most people weren't raised in or around a castle. I suppose Glinda's manor up in Gillikin or your Great-Grandfather's home would be about as close as it would come, but it's not really the same thing. I realized that just because I was running late it didn't mean the class would start late. I realized that sometimes it's better to live away from your family, it'll open your eyes and you can see who you really are." He paused, trying to work up the courage to say whatever came next. "I realized just because you were always told your life was supposed to go one certain way, it might be better if it didn't."

She froze up "Fiyero, I-"

"I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable or to ask too much of you. I know this isn't... optimal."

She bit the edge of her lip and twisted so she faced him. "Stop. You're right, this isn't optimal. But you aren't forcing me into anything. I don't know what's going to happen and I know this isn't right, but-" she cut herself off, feeling her courage crest. If she didn't do it then, she never would. So she kissed him before fear got the better of her.

* * *

"Boq says you never showed up to Life Sciences today," said Glinda as she walked through the door, shocked and relieved to see Elphaba already in her nightgown, reading in bed. "And I figured you either had been kidnapped or you had become deathly ill. I was so worried-"

"Yet you didn't come home to check on me until now?"

"Well, I ran into Milla and she wanted my opinion on something... she wound up not really asking me much of anything, but she seemed to hint at having a crush on someone and was worried she would be teased because the object of her affection had always seemed less than desirable before. She also seemed to want my permission, though I have no idea why-" Glinda cut her rambling off. "Anyway, this isn't about me. Where were you? You don't look sick so I'm going to have to assume you were kidnapped."

"I... well, you're right I'm not sick. And you could say a person prevented me from attending class."

"You cut class to be with Fiyero!"

"No I didn't!" She paused. "OK, I did. But it wasn't like that. And how the hell did you know I was with him?"

"Fiyero makes you act out of the ordinary. Not bad out of the ordinary, but out of the ordinary. And skipping class is definitely out of the ordinary for you," she smirked. "Besides, Boq told me he wasn't in Life Sciences either."

Elphaba winced. She hadn't thought her classmates would realize they were both missing. "Avaric is having a field day with this, isn't he?"

Glinda patted her arm and then went to the closet to change for bed. Calling over her shoulder, she said, "Oh, no one else but him even cares. He'll loose interest when he realizes no one else is listening to him." Once she'd changed, she squealed and hopped onto Elphaba's bed, causing her to loose her place in her book. "So what happened."

"Nothing," said Elphaba, almost before the question was out of Glinda's mouth.

"Oh c'mon. We both know you're lying. You're too happy." She poked her roomie in her bony shoulder. "So tell me or I'll pester you all night and we'll never get any sleep."

She closed her eyes for a second. "What I'm about to say never leaves this room," Glinda's eyes turned to saucers. "I kissed him."

Three things seemed to happen before Elphaba could even blink. She heard the highest pitched yelp she could recall ever hearing. She felt Glinda clasp her arms around her. And then she felt Glinda push her back onto the bed. "_You_ kissed _him_! Oh Elphie, don't you know you're supposed to let _him_ kiss _you_?" Glinda had pushed her down, and was now shaking her shoulders.

"Lyn, stop, you're giving me whiplash!" But the both of them were laughing. "Really, is the fact that I kissed him the real issue? I mean he's _married._ Is my kissing him really a big deal? I mean he responded just fine!"

That got another squeal, louder than the first. "He... Elphie that's amazing!" She rolled off of her best friend as it dawned on her that they were in what could be seen as a compromising position. "Oh, this is just like something out of one of those novels Ama Clutch doesn't know I read. True love not letting the binds of society get in the way! This is so exciting."

"It is, isn't it?" Elphaba said, without an ounce of sarcasm. The hope she had felt lifted and she fell asleep smiling.

_"Stop it! Please just go. A week is all I ask for, you can go without me for a week," she demanded, feeling a mix of anger, fear, and frustration._

_"I can be careful, Fae," he kissed her, trying to distract her. "I can be careful as long as you tell me what I need to be wary of." He caught her hand, bringing it to his lips. He kissed the back of it, turning it over to kiss her palm._

_She pulled the hand away, mentally shaking herself for being distracted for even a moment. "Stop it. You're making this so much more difficult than it needs to be." She walked away from him, wrapping bony arms around herself._

_"How will I know I'll see you again? You aren't trying to leave me and get a week's head start before I come looking for you. And you know I will."_

_"You'll do no such thing!" she insisted. "The only reason I will disappear is if I'm dead. And that is why you need to give me a week. My own life doesn't matter much. But if you... No, I've decided. Leave now. Come back a week from now."_

_He caught her, gently turning her so she faced him. "And you think I'd rather have you die? Don't I get a choice? If this is too dangerous for me how can it be safe enough for you?" But she wouldn't change her mind, kissed him hard and gently shoved him out the door._


	7. To Have Hurt And Screamed And Cried

She woke up in a painful cold sweat. She sat straight up in bed, shivering, feeling like she would be sick. The sound of the bed creaking woke Glinda. The blonde girl stirred, realized something was wrong and was at Elphaba's side in a moment. "Elphie? What's the matter? Another nightmare?" Elphaba didn't bother lying and Glinda crawled into the bed beside her, hugging her. Despite herself, Elphaba let herself sink into the embrace. "Now what happened, exactly? It can't be normal to have nightmares like this. All last year we roommed together and you never once woke up in the middle of the night like this. What was the dream about? Maybe it'll help us figure out what caused it."

She considered saying she couldn't remember what the dream was but didn't know how she could lie when she was curled up in Glinda's arms. "Lyn, if I tell you, will you promise not to tell anyone?"

"Of course. It can be our secret." Glinda reassuringly stroked her hair.

"Fiyero's death, that was what my first dream was of. Since then I keep having dreams about us, a little older, but us. And we're in love. One dream I remember..." She blushed here. "In one of the dreams I wondered if I might be having his child. And the dream I just had, I was worried that whatever I did was going to put him in danger. And he wouldn't listen."

Glinda shivered. "Maybe you're just worried? You care for him, you want to protect him. Maybe your dreaming just because you're afraid."

Elphaba frowned and shook her head. "My first dream came before I met him. Suppose my dream is happening because I'm worried he'll be hurt because of me. But how would I dream of him before I even met him? Why would I want to protect him before then?"

Glinda clearly had no explanation for that. "You never know, Elphie. It's probably nothing." But the explanation was weak.

"Yeah. You're probably right," Elphaba murmurred but she didn't believe it. "Let's go back to sleep," she said, not wanting to keep her friend up all night.

Glinda didn't hold in the yawn that forced it's way out. "Tell me if you need anything," and she was asleep in a few seconds, still curled up with her friend. Try as she might, Elphaba knew sleep wasn't going to come. The thought that she was having her dreams for a reason wouldn't leave her head. The thought that it was a warning. To tell her to protect him, to tell her that their relationship would only lead to pain.

It wasn't like she was loosing something, she reasoned. It wasn't like a normal relationship. Besides her oddness (something she couldn't get passed even if he didn't acknowledge it) there were his particulars. Namely the fact that he was royal and he was married. _He is married! _she repeated to herself. _It's not like you're loosing anything. He was never meant for you to have. You should stop it now before you get your heart broken. He is not meant for you. Stop this now, save him. You can save him. If he has nothing to do with you, you can't get him killed._

She was never more relieved to see the sunrise and no longer be trapped with her thoughts. But knowing what she had to do depressed her more than ever. But how could she take him away from everything he had a right to have?

So she avoided him at all costs. She didn't sit next to him in class and when they were both at some social outing she didn't say a word to him as long as she could avoid it. And after a week or so he was a little more than fed up with her dramatic attitude change. He kept attempting to speak with her, but she always had a reason to run off. She lost the notes he passed to her. She was always too busy to sit down with him. And they were never alone. All of a sudden she was concerned with propriety, requiring a chaperon to be present whenever they were alone. Both of them knew it was just a reason for her to avoid him, but he wouldn't have it anymore.

Right after class he pulled her aside. "I'm sorry, but Nessie needed me to-"

"Elphaba, please don't. All I'm asking for is five minutes so I can know what in the world is going on. Then you can run off wherever. But please talk to me first."

"But I-"

"Let me talk, please. All I want to know is what's bothering you. Is it what happened by the canal? The kiss? Because Elphaba if you want to forget about what happened, I'll understand. Is it because I'm married? Because if you want to break things off, it's fine. I don't expect anything from you. I understand. Even if it's nothing to do with my marriage, it's fine. If you don't want me I promise I understand and won't be angry with you. But tell me, please. All I want is to know."

He seemed so hurt, so anxious. She didn't understand how he could possibly think she didn't want him. "It's nothing like that, I promise-"

"Then do you want to be just friends? That's fine. I don't want to loose your friendship. I admit I'm attracted to you, but I don't want to loose your friendship because of it."

She sighed. "Yero, stop." She took a step toward him, letting her hands rest on her shoulders. They were by no means alone but she didn't care who saw. She had nothing to lose now. She pressed her lips firmly against his, felt him jump but then wrap his arms around her. The kiss was fiercer than their previous one. Later he would realize it was her way of saying goodbye.

After an eternity that was far too short, she gently pulled away. "Goodbye," was all she said before she ran off.

* * *

That night, Glinda came home to find their room half empty. Elphaba's bed was stripped and most of her clothing and both her shoes and her boots were gone. Her books were gone. So was her suitcase. The jar she kept her spending money in was emptied. On her bed sat a note in her spidery cursive, meant for her to find.

_Glinda, I had to go. I'm sorry. My dream was more than just a dream, I know it. I couldn't let Fiyero get hurt because of me. I can't let anyone get hurt. Please understand. I'll be fine. You'll always be my best friend, but I had to leave. Love you._

_Elphaba_


	8. It Never Came Back

For anyone who doesn't have this alerted and doesn't regularly check the M section, keep a look out. I might change the rating of this story after this chapter- I don't mean for strong sexual content, more for some of the drama and themes in this. I may decide not to change, it depends highly on how the chapter after this goes. I don't know yet, it may keep it's T rating.

* * *

She reached the City in a few days. Her life's savings- which wasn't very much was enough to keep her from starving on the trip and got her a room for a few days. One thing she knew was that she would be on her own from then on. _You could go back,_ a voice in her head said, _You'll probably be in trouble for running away, but you won't get kicked out of school. Even even if you are, you can go back to your father._She wrinkled her nose at the thought of that. She didn't want to go back to being her darling Father's visual aid of choice in his religious quests. He always claimed that if the Unnamed God could love her, he could love anyone. Elphaba wasn't so sure any God, much less the Unnamed was particularly fond of her. Why else would the man she loved be dangled in front of her only to be taken away?

No, she couldn't go home, whatever that meant. She had made a decision. She would disappear and no one would be any worse off, and everyone would be a little better off. She supposed Fiyero would miss her, Glinda too. Boq had been a good friend, and Nessa might miss having someone to do her bidding. But they would all be fine. Particularly Fiyero. He would be fine, he wouldn't have her to bring him down. Even if his involvement with her wasn't what got him killed in her dreams, now he didn't have the moral wrestling of loving a woman who wasn't his wife. Their relationship had peaked at two satisfying but harmless kisses. It was better it had ended where it did, she told herself.

The fact that what she had done had been for the better didn't change the fact that she had no way of supporting herself. A young, unmarried woman who hadn't completed her education and had no near family was an easy mark. She spent a few nights on the street after her money ran out, praying she wouldn't fall to the profession other young women were forced into in the City.

Of course, sitting outside an old shop, hugging the wall for whatever warmth it could provide made her an easy target. When a man maybe three years older than her shoved her against the wall and realized she had no money, it appeared he was about to take from her the only thing she had he could take. She resisted as much as she could, but it was a useless fight. He was much larger than her and had her trapped. She braced herself and anticipated being violated but then she heard a loud blast. A gun shot. The man who had been ready to rape her was lying at her feet. Another stood near by, a rifle still cocked. Mostly out of shock and the realization that she should be afraid, she screamed.

"Quiet!" He scolded her, harshly shoving his hand over her mouth. "The least you can do is listen to me after I saved your skin," he said. She squirmed, hating the fact that she was still restrained. "If I let go will you not scream again?" She nodded as best she could. He let go and she eagerly stepped away from the man that lay dead at her feet.

"Why did you save me? I mean nothing to you."

That wasn't what he expected. "I don't know where you're from, but even in the worst parts of the City you'll find men who don't want to see a woman raped. Granted they can be few and far between, but not unheard of." He paced, "That's why I'm here, to try to change things. I hate we live in a place where it's considered odd for someone to help someone else. This is a busy street, when you screamed a dozen people should have come running. What the hell is the Gale Force even for if it's not for protecting people? Doing the Wizard's bidding, that's what."

She raised an eyebrow, surprised at the ranting. One thing she could tell was that this person obviously had a story. "Um, thank you for that. Whether they should've or not, no one else came."

He blinked, so absorbed in everyone else's bad deed that he hadn't recognized the good. Seeing her rumpled dress and the dirt on her skin he asked, "Where are you staying?"

"Around," she said, not wanting to be pitied.

He nodded, knowing she meant she was homeless. "And your thoughts on the Wizard?"

"He came to power when I was about two, I know nothing else. My family always spoke highly of the Ozma's and I can't help but think there has to be a better way. And I despise his treatment of the Animals. The most brilliant being I know was an Animal."

The answer pleased him. "You want work, then? Work other than being a whore? You want to change things, make the streets a safer place to walk at night? Come with me at the Chapel of Saint Glinda. If not, I suggest you make your way out of town."

She had nothing to loose. She had nothing to make of herself. His face had lit up when she had referenced the Animals. Was that the work he suggested? She could help Dillamond's kind. Get a little vengeance. "Yes."

"Tell me a name- not your real name, something we could call you. But not your real names, those are too dangerous."

"Fae," The word popped out of her mouth before she registered it. The little nickname Fiyero had for her. Fae, or Fay- a fairy. She supposed being compared to a fairy was slightly preferable to the elf her given name brought to mind.

"And you can call me Myloe." He turned to walk away and she hurried to keep up. "Just so you know, around these parts the work you just signed yourself up to do is called terrorism."

* * *

So she fell in with the group that Referred to itself as the Resistance. They found her a place to stay and gave her a little money so she could buy food. The meetings were cloaked in secrecy. She never saw anyone's face, didn't know who said what at a meeting, didn't know who was assigned to do what. She only knew her small part. At first she stayed with a mousy young woman who's brother was a founding member of the Resistance. She was less passionate, but loyal. Eventually Myloe told her he had found her a place of her own.

She was horrified but not quite surprised when he showed her her room. The room Fiyero was supposed to die in.

"What is it?" he asked when he heard her gasp as she recognized the loft, saw the skylight. "Not fancy enough for Miss Fae?"

She shook her head, "It's nothing," she insisted. It didn't matter. Fiyero would never be here. She had nothing to do with him. He was safely at school, not with her. It didn't matter if she was living in the room he died in, as long as he wasn't there. He would not die because of her and she could do some good. She could work, in a roundabout way for her mentor's cause.

_"Fae!" He came into the loft, soaked. She found a few towels, careful to avoid his dripping skin and clothing. "Why did you lock me out? It's pouring outside."_

_"Weren't you the one who told me I should be more careful? Maybe I meant to keep idiotic Princes away and out of harm's way. Fiyero I've told you before I'm not the safest person to be around. One day you won't listen to me and you'll be hurt."_

_"But you let me come up even after you told me to stay away. So it can't be so dangerous."_

_"It would've been. Unfortunately it rained, as I'm sure you can tell- the rain is bad for more than just me. Weapons don't fare well, either."_

_He smiled hopefully. "So your mission was cancelled? Does that mean you won't push me away?"_

_She rolled her eyes and threw a towel at him. "Get out of those wet clothes, I won't have you dripping all over my floor." She stepped into the shadows, sliding out of her dress. Ecstatic at being welcomed, he quickly obeyed her order._

She shivered as she sat up in bed. This time there was no Glinda to comfort her. There was no real Fiyero to speak with, to love. She just had her dream. It hurt so much to see him cheerfully moving toward his death because of her, but being able to hold on to one version of him was oddly comforting. He was still there in her dreams.


	9. I Won't Have A Single Regret

Go inspiration! I went ahead and upped the rating even though I don't really think this chapter warrents it. I just didn't want to have to worry about censoring myself, more for later chapters. So don't let the M scare you.

* * *

And five years passed quicker than Elphaba had thought possible. The pain didn't fade. She continued having visions, dreams. They became less frequent and their irregularity made them take her by surprise. It hurt more. It seemed as if every time she had begun to move on, she got a vision. Or even if she didn't she would be reminded of him in some way. She desperately wanted the memories to fade but was afraid of what would happen when they did. Selfishly, she continued to want a piece of him to keep, even if she couldn't actually have him.

She kept tabs on him as well as all of their friends. They had graduated and quickly shifted their lives. Most had married, Glinda included. Fiyero had taken up with his Sarima. They'd had three children; she didn't like to think about that much. Her skin crawled when she thought of him having been with another woman. She resented Sarima, even though the woman had done nothing wrong. She wondered if the two little boys and the infant girl looked like their father. She couldn't fathom it.

She steeled herself against the memories. She'd joined the Resistance mostly by accident. She felt it was one of the best things she had ever done. She was finally working for something, accomplishing something. She wasn't drifting, trying to do no harm. She was trying to do good.

It was the end of summer. The air was almost painfully humid. She was supposed to meet Myloe at the Chapel of Saint Glinda- how ironic that name was! Myloe had risen in the ranks and was a leader, trusted. He was the only one who ever had contact with the other members of the Cell. He was excited about the next project. They would prepare for months.

She was preparing for the campaign of her life. And that was when both her future and her past came back to haunt her. As she waited in the Chapel a man came in and seeing him almost made her sob. She tried to pretend she didn't recognize him, that she was someone else- and she was. She'd gone from a sarcastic, snarky, caustic schoolgirl to a woman who didn't have time to spend in petty battles of wit. Five years can change a person.

But seeing him, watching his eyes shift from utter shock, to joy, to anger made her feel weak in the knees. "Elphaba!"

She flinched. No one in the Resistance knew her real name. She hadn't been called that since she left. "I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else," she said as politely as she could. But as she took in the tailored, expensive clothing he wore, the carefully he controlled way he carried himself she turned her nose up. Fiyero bore the mark of being thrown into a life he wasn't quite ready for. Like he was still the eighteen year old boy who wasn't quite sure where he had managed to obtain a family and a tribe to take care of. But he stubbornly tried to convince everyone else that he was the man they should respect. He tried to be something he was not. Shiz had gotten to him. "You're thinking of someone else, sir," she spit the word as if she really were speaking to a wealthy stranger, "I don't believe I'm met you before."

"What are you getting at? Elphaba, what the hell is all this? What happened to you? Are you alright? I was so worried!"

She slipped up, "You've been worried? Where do you have time to worry between your family and your tribal duties? Worry for five years over someone you only knew for a few weeks?"

He was hurt. "Please talk to me. Fae! Please, just a minute. Tell me what happened. How can you think I wasn't worried?"

"That was another life," she said desperately. She didn't want to hurt him but knew any emotional damage she did was better than the physical damage that would occur if she gave in to desire. "It doesn't matter why I left. I just did. Besides, I'm busy. You ask the Unnamed God to wait to hear my prayers so you can speak with me?"

He blinked as if he had managed to forget they were in a church. "But you're agnostic! Why are you here?"

"My father was a minister. Maybe his teachings have sunken in. Please go, Fiyero. Don't you think I left for a reason?" She rolled her eyes, annoyed. "Wait outside for me, I'll talk to you after I'm finished."

"How can I know you won't slip away?"

They glared at each other, both knowing she had no intention to actually speak with him and would run the first chance she got. "I'll call for help, say the barbaric Westerner was trying to attack me as a meditated."

Hurt, he recoiled. "I'll wait outside. If you don't come out in fifteen minutes... well, I'll assume you want nothing to do with me and left because you wanted to rid yourself of me."

"You know that's not true!" she protested.

"Do I? Fifteen minutes." And he left, his gaze not leaving her.

She collapsed near the alter, trying to get a hold of himself. He... he was gone. And now he was here. It hurt badly to see him. She couldn't bear the thought of it. How could she explain it to him? She didn't want him to think she didn't want him. Surely she could tell him she cared for him without allowing him to stay.

But he would never leave then. If he knew she loved him he would never leave her.

Frustrated, she crumbled, angry tears clouding her vision. She rocked, trying not to cry when she heard the sound of a male clearing his throat. For a minute she wondered if Fiyero had come back, not wanting to wait the fifteen minutes. But no, it was Myloe. She snapped up, blinking to force any tears out of her eyes. Clearly unsure of what to do around an emotionally distraught woman, he said, "Fae?"

"What!"

"You just seem.. perturbed. Someone came out of here as I was making my way in. Did he hassle you?"

Should she say yes? Myloe would chase Fiyero off. Would that be better? She wouldn't need to be the bad guy then... but that was the coward's way out, letting him deal with things. So she decided to be honest. "I knew him when I was younger. I never expected to see him again."

Probably relieved he didn't have to kill again to protect her, he relaxed and hardened. "Well focus. You're a mess, relax." He went on to explain the most basic outlines of their plan. One of the Wizard's associates would be in town this winter... it would be helpful to eliminate them.

She would later realize she couldn't remember a single detail of what he had said. She took the back routes, eager to avoid Fiyero. But that was difficult. He had been raised on the plains of the Vinkus, a hunter. It was easy for him to hunt her down. She closed her eyes, grabbing her door, trying to pull it shut behind her. His foot was blocking the way before she could slam it. "Get out of here, Fiyero!"

"What's the matter? What happened to you? Tell me and I'll leave. I just want to know why you left. And if you're alright."

She threw the door open, storming up the stories. After a baffled moment he followed her up. She squeezed her eyes shut not wanting to see Fiyero in the room he was supposed to die in. "I would only cause problems for you. I didn't want you to get hurt!"

"Elphaba, what I do is my own choice. I wasn't going to get hurt." He was horrified she had left because of her love of him. "I was going to write home and ask my father... my marriage hadn't been consummated, I could've done something back then!"

"I wasn't worried about that! I am going to get you killed, you idiot!" At his stunned silence she continued. "Fiyero, before I even met you, you were in my dreams. And then I saw you in real life... I saw you fall in love with me. I saw me tell you you were in danger, I saw you not care. I saw us become lovers. I found you dead on my floor. This very floor!" She pointed to the middle of the room, imagining she could see the stain of hateful red. "Can't you see? You have to go or you'll die."

He looked away and was silent for a long minute. Horror lit up his face and she wanted to cry. She never let herself cry. "Elphaba, I can't." He reached for her, but she refused to come closer than arm's length. "I won't go, I can't."

She shook her head. "You have to, Yero. Please. You'll die if you stay with me. I can't let that happen to you, not because of me." She pushed him away, unable to let him get close to her.

He paused. After a long minute of him gathering his thoughts he said, "Stop it. This is my life, you don't have it on your shoulders. Fae, if doing this means I'll die, then I die. Who's to say I won't die anyway, even without being near you? Maybe it's just my destiny to die young." He reached for her again, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She tried to shrug him off but it didn't work.

"What are you even saying? You'll stay with me? That's ridiculous. You have a life, a family, a tribe! Why do you even want me?" Annoyed, desperate to save him, she added, "We aren't supposed to be together anyway. You're married and not to me. You have three children, now. I'm not their mother. What about Sarima? You want to widow her? Irji, Manek, Nor? You'll take their father away just to be with me?"

He recoiled, hurt. They both knew she had hit below the belt. How had she even known his children's names? Sadly, he assumed it had to have been from one of her dreams. "If you want me to leave because you don't want us to be together, tell me and I'll leave now. But if you want to be with me, please don't push me away. Don't lie to me."

She couldn't lie to him, anyway. "What happens when you die? What am I supposed to do when I come home one day and find you in a puddle of your own blood?" And that was when she finally did cry, let him wrap his arms around her. She hid her face in his shoulder, trying to ignore the fire of the wet tears. He stroked her hair, whispered nonsense to her. And she couldn't force him away. "I'm afraid," she admitted.

"I'm not. If this is the way it's supposed to end, let it end that way. I don't want to die without ever really having lived." He kissed her and the fire from five years before rekindled and intensified.

She pulled away, "But-"

He held her tighter. "No buts, this is my life. Let me live it." He nuzzled against her shoulder. "Let me feel."

And the room pitched. Their previous relationship had been innocent. Their current one burned with the urgently of knowing the clock was ticking, time was limited. She held his hands, drifting toward her bed. It wasn't really big enough for two but she knew that wouldn't matter. She felt him eagerly search for the buttons that ran down the back of her dress, the cool rush of air against her exposed skin and then his warm hands skimming over it. She could hear her heart beating in her ears, thudding. She felt younger, unrestrained. Almost as if they were two hormonal teenagers with one ear listening for their parents to come home.

But there wasn't a threat of angry parents but one of death. It made it all more urgent. As if they wanted to supplement the length of their affair with passion. He joined her on the bed, desperate to have her after five years of not knowing her fate.

Later as their bodies cooled and they calmed she fell asleep in his arms. Sharing her secret with him made her feel lighter. She wasn't protecting him from the unknown. He had known his fate and had come to her anyway. He stayed up for a long time, wondering what would become of her once she lost him.


	10. And I Wouldn't Trade A Thing

Sorry if this is filler-y. I wanted to update one last time while I'm still a minor. Because the fact that I'll be eighteen in... fifty three minutes is majorly messing with my head. And... yeah, sorry if the romance isn't up to par. Me and my real life Fiyero just broke up. And I don't think we'll have a nice fluffy make up. Which has me a bit depressed. Oh well. I need to quit ranting about my problems. Have some fic.

* * *

She woke up in his arms, feeling his chest rise and fall beneath her head, the steady rhythm of his breath and heartbeat nearly putting her back to sleep. She wondered if she were waking or sleeping- was this reality or a vision? She shifted to look up at his face- he was already awake, watching her. The adoring look in his eyes... She wasn't really sure if she was awake or asleep. She'd had dreams of them sleeping in each other's arms. But even her wildest dreams were not as vivid as what she felt, the warmth of his breath on her cheek. "Yero..." Her voice was hoarse with sleep.

"Hmm?" He asked her, barely more awake than she was.

She blinked, flustered. "I... I forgot what I was going to say," she admitted.

He adjusted them so he could kiss her. "Well, we'll stay here until you remember." He circled her waist with his arms, giving her a gentle, playful squeeze.

She tried to shift away, though not very hard, "I'll never remember with you here. You're too distracting!" Frustrated, she collapsed down onto him. "Oh, forget it, it's no use."

"Are you sure it wasn't very, very important? Because I wouldn't mind lying here, with you forever..."

When he relaxed she sat up. "You'll mind soon enough- I know I'm hungry and I'd bet you are too. Let me up." When he didn't release her right away she pointed out, "Fiyero really. It's food or sex. And I already picked food, so you won't be getting the sex until I eat and if you don't let me out of bed that could take quite a while."

He pouted a little but let her go. "Do you need any help?"

She shook her head, "I've seen you try to cook before. I clearly remember you burning oatmeal back at Shiz. The cafeteria kitchen smelled for a good week. I'll do it myself. I like food to be edible." She smiled as she found the first article of clothing on the floor- his light blue shirt- and pulled it on, buttoning it most of the way up. He watched her, enthralled as she pulled her hair back into a braid to keep it out of her way.

After a few self concious minutes of him watching her, she snapped at him. "What is it? I'm sure there are more interesting things to stare at than me!"

"Have you ever tried watching yourself? It's pretty entertaining. Do you even realize you talk to yourself while you stir?" Sitting up and grinning mischievously he added, "Besides my shirt isn't that long. It barely covers your-"

"Watch it!"

"I was just going to say thighs!" He assured her. "Of course, if you think it's too scandalous, you could take it back off-"

"And being naked would be less scandalous?" She went to the ice chest(careful not to touch the ice) and brought out a bottle of milk and filled her cat's bowl with it.

"I certainly wouldn't complain."

"I'm sure you wouldn't." And she came back to bed, and the oatmeal burned on the stove, anyway.

* * *

The made the most of things. They knew time was not going to be on their side, and he was intent on not letting that stand in the way of things. Even better, he said. He wanted to pack in a lifetime of experiences with her before it was all over. He moved into the loft with her, and it was like there was no outside world. It was an unspoken agreement between them to not mention his family or either of their professions. He went to work in the mornings like any other man- and didn't bring his princely station home. She only disappeared, about once a week or so, to meet the members of her cell. He chose not to think about.

She'd always kept to herself, staying mostly at home. But he was sometimes able to get her out of the loft. They walked to the poppy field just outside of the Emerald City. The red blossoms were beautiful, and the Emerald Palace was in sight. She couldn't help but think that from that distance you couldn't see any of the corruption or dirt the City had up close.

They'd packed a picnic, sandwiches and mineral tea. He'd pulled her mostly into his lap, and she was content to let him coddle her. "Fae?"

"Yes?"

"Do you regret any of this?" He pulled at the petals of a poppy blossom that was within arm's reach. "Being with me even though you know it won't last?"

She picked the flower up, away from him, breathing in it's scent. "What's there to regret? Fiyero, if I'm happy for once, if you're happy... well, who am I to complain?" She didn't mention that she planned to at least try to protect him.

"But-" She grabbed his hand.

"But nothing. We don't have much time. I know that. But that just means I don't want to waste it. The clocks ticking, but that doesn't make the time we have pass any faster. I plan to enjoy what we have."


	11. And Let You In

"Elphaba?" It was late on a Sunday night. He couldn't remember falling asleep- he remembered the fact that she had left early that morning, reminding him that they had food in the freezer for once. He could remember planning to wait up for her and sitting down on one of the crates that sat in the corner of the room. He must've fallen asleep waiting for her to come home. He shook his head to try to properly wake up. "Are you just getting home?

She stood in the shadows next to the door. "I thought you would've gone to sleep long before now. Why are you still up? You should get to bed," her own voice sounded tired.

"How was I supposed to sleep not knowing where you were or when you would come home?" He reminded himself to try not to bicker with her. They both wanted to keep the peace as much as possible, didn't want to waste to waste time fighting. Things that he would normally protest were ignored."Anyway, come on. You must be tired." He tried to approach her- but before he reached her she stepped back, pressing herself against the closed door. "Fae, what's the matter?"

He touched her arm through the sleeve of her dress and she flinched. "Please just go to bed. I'm fine.."

"Then let's go to bed together- I don't mean like _that_, I mean we're both tired."

"I'll be there in a minute." He moved toward the bed, but she hesitated to come out of the shadow of the doorway.

He frowned. "Something's wrong, what's the matter? You've been gone for what, sixteen hours? Won't let me get a good look at you, flinching when I touch you. What happened?"

Knowing she was fighting a loosing battle, she stepped into the light. He gasped when he saw a cut on her cheek, bruises randomly scattered over her body. "What the hell! Who did this?" He was back to her side in a second, trying to process the damage.

"I'm fine- I've been through worse, anyway," she amended. She found a clean, dry cloth and some oil which she used to clean the cut and wipe the dirt away.

Her nonchalance only horrified him more. "This is what, a typical occurrence? I've held my tongue for awhile, but I don't like this."

"Don't like what?" She shed her dress and he could see the purple bruise on her arm that he had unknowingly touched.

"Your... work," he decided.

"The fact that I get hurt, or the fact that someone else can get hurt because of it." She turned away from him, cleaning herself.

"I was referring to the former, but the latter is almost as bad." He approached her, trying to help her reach her back. She jerked away from him. She found a nightgown and pulled it over her head.

"Stop being selfish," she said, annoyed with him. "This is for the greater good. Some people will be hurt, I know that already. I could be one of them. I don't need you to coddle me about it. And I really don't need you to lecture me about it."

He walked away from her, dejected. "You ran away from school, everyone you care about to try to protect me. How can you expect me to not try to take care of you in return?"

"You aren't letting me protect you either. You say you don't want to save your life if it means sacrificing love. I don't want to save my life if it means sacrificing my cause."

"I don't want to see you get hurt,"

She softened, sitting next to him on the bed, taking his hand. "Then maybe you can understand how hard this is for me, why I left. Imagine not only fearing I would be hurt, but knowing I will be killed."

"I'm sorry," he said, understanding.

She laid back, inviting him. "Don't be. I'm just pleased you understand."

He went to her, but instead of climbing on top of her laid down beside her. "Which is why when... it happens, I don't want you to be alone." She frowned and he continued. "There's no reason for you to make yourself into an outcast. You have a family, your father, brother and sister. You have friends. Friends who were all worried sick when you disappeared. Do you know how much Glinda would like to see you again? I don't think she ate for a week after you left."

"She's better off without me. Besides, what would I be doing in Gillikin?"

He shook his head. "She's not in Gillikin, she's in the Emerald City with her husband. They have a suite at the hotel I'm supposed to be staying at.

She rolled over so she faced away from him. "No."

"But she's-"

"No!" She protested loudly, but was pinned under his arm.

"Fiyero, no! Why should I do this?"

He grabbed her shoulder, careful to not touch one of the bruises and turned her so he could see her face. "Your exile was self-imposed. No one didn't want you around, least of all Glinda. Everyone was worried. Everyone probably still is. What do you think will happen, you'll be turned away?"

* * *

Less than a week later, Elphaba felt extremely out of place at the expensive hotel Fiyero still kept a room at for appearences sake. She'd primped the best she could, but it was hopeless. She'd paid closer attention to her dress and hair than she ever had, not wanting to look as poor as she was..

Her heart skipped a beat when Lord and Lady Chuffery were shown into the dining room. Five years had passed and Glinda was as pretty as ever. Her hair was was cut in a fashionable boyish style, a tiara-like headband in her curls. Her light green dress was nearly the same shade as Elphaba's skin. Both women tensed at seeing each other and Fiyero had to resist wrapping his arm around Elphaba, reminding himself that no one was supposed to know that he was having an affair.

"Chuffery, Lady Glinda. Good of you two to join us," he frowned. It felt awkward to call her Glinda by a formal title. "I'm sure you recognize Miss Elphaba, older Great-Granddaughter of the Eminent Thropp of Munchkinland." He through in her noble blood, hoping to help her feel like she belonged a little more.

"Of course," Glinda said. Fiyero pulled her chair out for her before she fainted.

The two women stared at each other. Sensing the need for privacy, Fiyero turned to Chuffery. "I just remembered I have a little something for the Lady, but I left it in my room. Why don't you accompany me back up there?" He suggested, knowing very well that the necklace he intended to give Glinda as a gift was in his jacket pocket. He led Chuffery away before he had a chance to protest.

Once then men were gone, the women fell out of the spell. "Elphie!" Glinda forgot her society training and wrapped her arms around Elphaba's shoulders, hugging her tightly. Then, just as suddenly, she whacked her in the arm.

"Ow! I already have a bruise. What the hell was that for?"

"You run off without saying a word! I didn't know if you were alive or dead or raped or if any horrible thing had happened to you."

Feeling slightly guilty, Elphaba murmured, "I left you a note." Glinda gave her a harsh look and she added, "And I didn't get murdered or raped. Well, I did almost get raped, but I didn't and-" Glinda looked ready to smack her again. "OK, OK, I'm sorry. I just did what I had to do."

"So what? The two of you looked pretty cozy as you were waiting for us. What changed? Have you decided it _was_ just a dream? Leaving was pointless, no one was ever going to be killed and you're content to be a married man's lover-"

"No, he's decided he'd rather have me than his life. I told him everything and he says he's not afraid." Her voice got smaller as she spoke, trailing off. Glinda reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze.

"I'm not angry, Elphie. I've just been so worried I would hear of your death or Fiyero's and not know what happened." She softened up. "What are you going to do when it happens?"

"I don't know."

"Then do us both a favor. Don't leave me again."


	12. To Have Touched Your Skin

Hope changing my penname didn't confuse you all. An excerpt from _A Lion Among Men _was posted on line. While GM has adopted Fiyero's musicalverse last name, he spells it a little differently. And seeing as I was originally a fan of the book, I wanted to honor his spelling.

* * *

She was running late. Fiyero had made it clear he didn't like the fact that her profession was so often physical and had tried to persuade her to stay home. While he hadn't won, he had stalled her, especially when he insisted on walking her to the Chapel of Saint Glinda, where she was supposed to meet up with Myloe, again.

He frowned at seeing the Prince walk her to the door. When he was sure Fiyero was out of hearing range, he whispered to her, "Is that the reason you've been so out of sorts lately?"

"Stop it. The Resistance never forbid us from having personal lives. What I do with my spare time is my business."

"My issue isn't with what you're doing. It's with _who _you're doing."

She rolled her eyes at the crude pun. "Cute. Not." She played the part of a pious churchgoer well and knelt beside the altar, tugging him down with her. She bowed her head in an accurate portrayal of prayer that was probably based on watching her pious father and sister.

"Wasn't trying to be cute, I'm serious, Fae. Based on his tribal markings, looks like your lover is a high ranking member of one of the Vinkun Tribes. Were you aware of that?"

She hushed him- his voice was getting too loud. "Why yes, I was. Unlike some people, I like to know exactly who I'm sleeping with. He's the Prince of the Arjiki tribe, if you care."

"Ahh. And what, you expect him to whisk you off to some castle in the West?"

"No," she said, simply. "I know very well that he's married. I'm a little green for a happily ever after, don't you think?"

He bristled at her attitude. "All I'm saying is that you've been distracted lately. Late to meetings, early to leave, rushing. Easily distracted. I can't help but think that maybe your Prince Charming isn't so good for us?"

"Fuck off, Myloe," she said, annoyed with him for making her realize that her love was more important to her than her job. "My Prince Charming is pleanty good for me, I didn't realize you were any part of the equation." She cocked her head and smirked. "I suppose that means you're a forgettable lover."

"Now aren't we witty?" He shook his head, not liking that turn in the conversation. "Listen, we've wasted enough time." He carefully made sure his voice was low enough to not be made out by anyone other than Elphaba. "You paying attention? I've been told your assignment for Lurlinemas Eve, that's only a month and a half away... anyway, seems one of the Wizard's cronies is coming in town. A school marm, up from Shiz-"

"What?" she choked out, her voice rising in pitch. She hadn't expected that one. "What's her name?"

"Morrible, I think. Rhymes with Horrible, I remembered that. Why do names even matter? You won't be thinking of that when you kill her."

She'd gone pale. "Kill her... I-I've never been given such a big part before," she said, voice going soft. She had no idea why she was so nervous. She knew others in the Resistance had killed. She'd helped. It had never bothered her before. And it wasn't as if there was any love between her and Morrible. She just hadn't expected her first kill to be someone she knew.

Myloe smirked. "Nervous, Fae? Didn't know you had it in you. Don't worry, everyone is uneasy about their first.. assassination. And it isn't such a big part in the grand scheme of things. Hell's gonna break loose. This is a handmaiden's part, barely a part of the big picture. A distraction." He gave her hand a squeeze, an oddly tender gesture. "Don't worry, Fae. You'll pull off your distraction unless your Prince distracts you first."

"He won't," she insisted.

* * *

Like it or not, admit it or not, what Myloe had said had gotten into her head. What was more important to her? The lover she knew she would lose or her cause? Was she really that wrapped up in him to the point that she wasn't giving the Resistance her all? Had others noticed it besides Myloe? She hoped not. She had never been able to tolerate girls who devoted themselves to their beaus, who were quick to forget any sort of aspiration they had had for themselves as soon they were wed. Part of her pointed out that she wouldn't so much mind leaving the City and having a nice, normal family with Fiyero. But that was impossible and she knew it, even if she wasn't destined to lose him.

She had been assigned to kill Madame Morrible, her old schoolmarm. The fishy woman. Horrible Morrible. Glinda had put the idea of a woman-goldfish in her head. It was easier to think of killing when one thought of the target as a fish. Not a Fish, but a fish. Unintelligent, no concept of self. No motive, no reason. No future, no past. Did the Resistance know more about her than she thought? It would be awfully convenient if she got caught- no one would suspect a terrorist movement. They would assume she was simply a silly girl who had been burned by her former headmistress, a disgruntled student. Police would assume it was simple, personal revenge. Not part of a higher organization.

Almost as if they wanted her to be caught... it would get rid of her. Maybe they had all noticed her "distraction". They surely didn't like it. Had she badly messed up?

That was when she realized Fiyero was shaking her shoulder. "What?" She snapped at him, annoyed at being broken from her thoughts.

He held his hands up in retreat. "I was just going to ask you to let me have some of the blanket. It's been colder here lately. You should let me buy some better bedding for you. You're too thin to get this cold.

"It was never a problem before I shared my bed with someone else," she said coldly, not handing him any blanket. "Maybe you should take your better bedding elsewhere. Wouldn't won't the Mighty Chieftain of the Arjiki tribe to catch cold."

He sat up, frowning. "What the hell? Fae, what's the matter with you? Is it the fact that I would buy something for you or...? Because it's not pity, I'd benefit from it as much as you?"

Feeling guilty for hurting him, she rolled over so she didn't have to see his face. When he didn't continue she made a little groan. "No, it's not that," she admitted. "I was just wondering when you became the most important part of my life."

He frowned. "I guess it must seem silly to devote yourself to something that you know won't pan out. You don't want to watch me die. Is that why you're pushing me away?" His voice wasn't angry. He just wanted to understand. "Is that it? If it is... well, if it is I'll leave. Just say the word. I-I won't love you less because of it."

And for a moment she considered it. She could tell him to leave. He would. She wouldn't have to find him dead. Maybe this was one final way to save him. Maybe if she convinced him she didn't love him he would save himself. She couldn't sit still, throwing the blanket back, pushing her legs over the edge of their bed, eager to be out of range of his arms. As soon as she was out of them, she ached to feel them again. She paced the room, bleary eyed from having almost been asleep. Could she tell him she would be happier without him? If she told him that he would leave at once.

But then she turned and saw his tired, frightened, concerned, handsome face. And knew she couldn't lie to him. She felt her stomach pitch at the thought of voluntarily loosing him and almost had to run for a bucket to empty her stomach in. Once she was somewhat composed she admitted, "Oh, you know me better than that, my idiot. I'm miserable with you. How do you think I would fair without you? You're the best thing in my life. You make it worthwhile."

He sat up, opening himself up to her, eagerly pulling her into his arms. "That oddly doesn't make me feel any better. It'd be so much easier if you were happier without me. You wouldn't hurt when... when it happens." He kissed her hair and asked her, "What do you plan on doing afterward?"

Afterward? She didn't understand the concept. After he died? She couldn't fathom continuing without him. Maybe her dangerous mission was for the better. What would she have left? Her family was doing fine without her. Glinda was married and seemed happy enough.

He still waited for an answer, and she gave the best one she had. "Go back to before, I guess. The Resistance is building toward something very big. I can feel it, even if I don't know what it is."

He laid back, pulling her down with him. "I don't want you to just melt away, Fae. Fade into the background. I want you to have a life after this is over. That was why I wanted you to see Glinda. I want you to be happy. I don't want you to hurt," he whispered into her ear, his lips brushing her ear, her neck. They kissed, melding together.

They clung to each other tightly, as if they could hold eachother so tight they couldn't be separated.


	13. Let Me Down

His hand cupped her face, raising her chin to extend the line of her neck, giving him better access. She could feel his lips touch the skin there. She felt herself smile at him, enjoying the tender gesture. This wasn't how things were supposed to be, but she didn't mind. Being unconventional was how she lived. How could she expect her love life to be any different? She was sure no woman had been in the same position she was in, before.

And then with startling clarity she realized something. Why she had been so moody, why she had been so tired, why she had been unable to keep a meal down. It was so simple. And in this one way she was like any other woman. She did the mental math. _Yes. _She was with child. Something she had never counted on before, but that her dream, five years ago had foretold. She slid one of her hands between the two of them, letting it rest on her stomach. He clearly felt her shift, turned so he can look her in the eye. He asked her _what's the matter_ without even having to speak, asking her just with the eyes. She leaned up to kiss him, assuring him that _it's nothing_. To herself, she admits that it definitely isn't nothing, the possibility of a child is definitely something.

It was just like her dream. Damn it.

* * *

Morning came, just as always. He had woken up first and was attempting to cook eggs. Before there was a culinary disaster she was out of bed and had wrestled the skillet away from him. As she saved their breakfast, he stood behind her, leaning his chin on her shoulder. He didn't say anything, but kissed her neck. "Yero, I wanted to talk about something," she said finally, feeling anxious.

He cocked his head, intrigued as she dumped their food onto two plates, handing him one. "What is it?"

"I'm..." That was when she noticed he was already dressed for the day. How long had he been awake before the smell of food had woken her? "Wait, where are you going?"

"Remember? I had to meet with one of the Emerald City nobles. I told you, didn't I?" He asked, unsure. Normally she was better at keeping track of both of their schedules. It wasn't like her to forget things.

She nodded, remembering once he said something. "Oh, you're right."

He was worried now. "But if we need to talk, he can wait. Are you alright?"

She forced a relaxed smile. "Fine. It's nothing that can't wait." She tugged his plate from him once he finished and tried to convince them both nothing was too out of the ordinary. "Love you, my hero."

He kissed her as she walked him to the door. "I love you too."

* * *

He came home early that afternoon unsure of how to get her to talk. The both of them were anxious edgy. It was late that night when he finally asked, "So are you going to tell me what's up or not?"

For a moment she considered saying nothing.

However she knew that would be a mistake. So she blurted out the truth before she lost her nerve like she had that morning. "I'm pregnant, Fiyero... In a way I knew this was coming. I had a dream once and in it I knew I was going to have a baby. And well, now I guess it's happened. Destiny coming true, if you want to buy into all that." She babbled uncomfortably for a moment.

For a good minute he froze, dropping onto one of the crates arraigned for seating. He opened his mouth to speak several times, but the words wouldn't come. He eventually asked the most painful, most necessary question. "In your... in your dream of my death, was the baby born yet?"

She froze, not quite having expected that.. Eventually she grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I can't be sure. It was always short, brief. A flash."

"If you had to guess?"

She didn't want to sit still and got up to pace the room, waiting for a good natured, 'Careful, you don't want to wear a hole in the floor'. It didn't come. The mood was far too serious for that. After she composed herself, somewhat, she said, "No. I don't think so, Yero. The baby wasn't born yet in my dream." She was unable to look at him as she said it.

He looked up at the ceiling, closing his eyes. He let out a deep breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. "OK then. We knew this was coming."

"Yero-"

"No, don't." He looked like he wanted to say something else, but changed his mind. He walked over to their bed. "It's getting late. No wonder you've been so tired lately. Come back to bed."

"But-"

"Please, don't." He patted the bed beside him. "Let's not dwell on this. Now, will you come to bed? Let me hold you." She nodded a few times, sliding in beside him. "I do have something to ask of you, though," he said once she was back in his arms. She looked at him, nodding for him to continue. "You never tell me what happens in the Resistance. And I don't want to know. But you always come home haggard, clothes torn. You keep weapons. Would you be willing to leave the Resistance? If you were hurt you could miscarry. I.. I can't stand the thought of our child dying because he or she got mixed up in this. It's one thing for you or I to get hurt. As much as I dislike it, but we're adults. We know what's going on. But the baby, he or she doesn't have a say in this."

She nodded. "I'll finish my last mission and I'll say I want out. I've given them five years of my life, I can go." He was amazed at how easily she had given in. He had expected her to protest- if nothing else not liking him telling her what to do. But her fingers brushed over her stomach. He reached to rest his on top of hers, squeezing her hand. He tried to imagine he could sense the new life inside of her, see some change her. He wondered if he would be there when her stomach began to swell. He wondered how soon it would be, how much of it she would have to do alone. Who would be there to hold her hand while she was in labor. How would she manage? How would she raise a child alone? Sarima he didn't worry about, their children together were provided for. His status meant they would be want for nothing. But Elphaba's baby, their baby. What would become of him or her? Elphaba lived in poverty. She didn't mind it for herself and it didn't bother him.

She fell asleep quickly. It didn't matter so much to him if he died, he decided as he contoured himself around her to protect her as long as he could. He only minded he would be leaving her alone.


	14. To Have Said Goodbye

"This is it," she said to Myloe when they met in the backroom of a cafe that served as a front for the Resistance. "After this mission, I want out. I've given Oz five years of my life. I'm done."

It was a few weeks later when she said it, three weeks from Lurlinemas Eve. Myloe sputtered, "What do you mean, Fae?"

"I quit. The Resistance always made clear that this was a choice. We could leave when we wanted to, that we would be left in peace if we kept our mouths shut. And after Lurlinemass Eve, I'm out." She leaned against the wall, one hand on her hip.

He blinked a few times. "I don't believe this. What the hell... is there a reason for this?" He gave her a significant look. She realized the hand that was not on her hip was resting on her stomach protectively, a reflex she had picked up. "Perhaps something to do with you being in the family way?"

She snapped at him. "Like I said, the Resistance made it clear we could leave at anytime." When he didn't say anything, she confirmed. "And I think pregnancy is a pretty good reason to leave."

"So this is it? You're turning your back on your cause because your royal lover knocked you up? What are you thinking about doing? He's a tribal Prince, you admitted that. He's going to have to leave you eventually. You'd be better off getting rid of the thing and staying here." He grabbed her arm. "What do you plan to do? You have a job here, you have a place to live. Where do you plan on going? You can't stay in the loft once you quit."

"I'm aware of all of that, Myloe. Believe me, I know my lover is going to have to leave me. You think I don't understand that? I know it better than you could even fathom. But don't you dare insinuate I would be better off getting rid of my child. I know there are times and places where someone might be better off without a baby, but this isn't one of those cases." She shook his arm off of her. "And who says I have nowhere to go? I came to the City by choice. I was a runaway. I didn't get kicked out. I have a family, I have friends." Her words surprised her somewhat. She realized that this was what Fiyero had intended for her to realize in reuniting her with Glinda. She would have somewhere to go once she was alone.

"Tell His Highness I hope he enjoyed screwing you, because he royally messed up our plans."

"I'll be sure to do just that," she said, not letting him get to her. She gave a cheerful smile to spite him and headed back home.

* * *

He woke up on Lurlinemas Eve uneasy. He knew her last mission would be today. It scared him to know she would be in danger. He wondered if there was some way to keep her out of harms way. All he wanted was her safety. He couldn't stand the idea of her hurt. He realized that that was the feeling that had caused her to push him away five years before. He felt guilty in that- what had she felt that made his life so worth protecting? He was an adulterer, married with children. His already born children would barely remember him. He hadn't been a particularly brilliant father and had given up his chance to remedy that. He had no real convictions. He had no strong moral philosophy. He didn't stand for anything. He was a political leader, but not because of anything he had done but because he had been born lucky. He'd done so much wrong. He asked himself again what she had seen in him that she had felt made his life so worth preserving.

He watched her sleep. She was in her customary position, head resting on his chest. Her hair wild, tangled. It always seemed to wind up getting in his face while they slept, but he didn't mind it that much. Since he had been around to make sure she remembered to do simple things, like feed herself, her figure had softened somewhat. It was appealing- she'd been very thin when he had met up with her. Her curves were more pronounced. She was the one worth saving, he thought. She's the good one. She's the brave one.

She woke up eventually, and he didn't know how long he had watched her sleep. "Happy Lurlinemas Eve, Fae," he said, kissing the top of her head, trying to push the darkness of his thoughts away.

"Not so happy. My mission is tonight. After that it's over." She streched but didn't vacate his embrace. She seemed to register that he was down, kissing him on the lips, inviting him to her...

Later he voiced at least one of his concerns, "Stay safe,"

"Why should I keep myself so safe?" Her words echoed his own thoughts on his own life. Could she not see herself for the brilliance she was? He doubted she could but wondered how it wasn't obvious.

"Because I love you," he said, answering both her and himself, realizing that love was why they wanted to keep each other safe.

"And I love you too," she confirmed. She brought his hand to her stomach, resting her own on top of it. "So I'll be careful."

* * *

She waited silently, not moving, in the alley across from the theatre. It was later that same day. The evening, those darkening hours when afternoon shifted to night. Snow fell in little cloud like heaps, melting painfully on her skin. Morrible came out of the carriage and her physical discomfort left her mind. In one fluid movement she aimed her rifle at the old woman. Her finger rested on the trigger. _One... Two... Three..._

A gaggle of girls appeared seemingly from no where. Would she be able to get a clear shot in without harming one of them? No, no. They moved too much and were very near to Morrible. One of them was bound to get hurt. So? Part of her said. There are consequences. Every action has consequences. If she killed Morrible, surely it would pay off.

_One... Two... Three... _No! These were children she was talking about. Children with futures, hopes. Children with friends. Siblings. Mothers and Fathers. Could she take another mother's child away in the name of progress? How would she feel if her own child were killed in the crossfire?

She couldn't do it, and that was when she knew it. She threw the gun down harmlessly in the alleyway and went home.

* * *

He heard a commotion from outside. Loud footsteps pounding up the stairs. Too loud to be the rather graceful Elphaba coming home from her mission earlier than anticipated. The cat ran off to some hidden corner. He heard '_One of them is supposed to be living here. That's what the one we caught said.' _Then the door blasted open.

It was so fast, he didn't even know what was happening to him. Two grabbed him. He was pinned to the grown and he was so shocked at first that he didn't struggle until it was too late. He noticed the glint of gold on the green Gale Force uniform. He saw the club be lifted. He felt it come down, but it was far away. As if it were happening to someone else, someone else...

He was glad it wasn't someone else. He was glad he was there and she was not. He was glad to be able to take the blow for both her and the baby. He wondered if that was why he loved her, so in this moment he could die for her. He was glad to do it if it meant keeping her safe. He barely felt the pain, knowing that the Gale Force would not come back looking for her.

They left when they saw they had accomplished their task. He could feel his warm blood pulling around him. He wondered if there would be some way to lessen the flow. He knew there was no way to save his life. Too much damage had been done. But could he make it look better for when his Elphaba came home and found him?

_Elphaba..._

* * *

She shook with self hate. She had failed, miserably. Myloe would ring her neck- she'd gone soft. More reason to mock her for having love, for being pregnant. Morrible was still alive because she had been too chicken to kill her. Myloe would tease her for all eternity. Whatever major thing was supposed to happen surely hadn't happened without Morrible's death to serve as a distraction.

But when she realized the door was ajar, that there were bloody footsteps on the stairs, Myloe mocking her seemed like a very minor thing. She ran up the stairs and was vaguely aware that the horrible, high pitched sound that reached her ears, irritated her was her own horrible scream.

He laid in the middle of the floor in that cold, silent room. He wasn't resting- his chest didn't rise and fall with his breath. He was dead. She fell to her knees beside him, touched him chest. She stared in horror at him, looking at those beautiful blue diamonds, praying he was somehow only asleep. His body was cooling. The blood that covered the floor was sticky and thick. There was no way anyone could survive loosing that much blood. Snow fell in through the broken skylight, wisping in, melting on her skin. This was her worst fear. This was her worst nightmare come to life.

She wondered exactly what had happened. She wondered how his final moments had been spent. Had he thought of her as he died? Did she want to know the answer?

She pressed her lips against his bloodied forehead and covered his lifeless body with a sheet from their bed. She gathered a few necessary material possessions, left the apartment, and never went back.

* * *

She pounded on the door. It felt like she was pounding, her knuckles hurt with the effort. Everything hurt. Except the door- the door didn't buckle under her blows. She pummeled it but it didn't break. The sound she heard was so quiet. It didn't match up with her effort. She felt herself crying. Had she gotten the wrong door? The ritzy inn was large. Could she have gotten the wrong door? No, no. There was Glinda, the lady. Glinda, her best friend. "Elphie?" The large blue eyes widened as she saw Elphaba's pale face and the random splatterings of blood on her person and her clothes.

"He's gone," she managed to choke out. "It's over, he's gone. Just like how I saw."

Glinda didn't say a word, there was no 'It'll be OK' or 'He's in a better place'. Those wouldn't say enough. The first wasn't true, everything wasn't OK. And no one living could truly know he was in a better place, least of all Glinda. All she could do was open her arms up, pulling her best friend to her, holding her tightly. Chuffery had heard the commotion and stood behind his wife but sensed that this situation was better off without his interference. "It hurts, doesn't it?"

"Yes." Elphaba felt the burn of tears and the tightness in her throat.

Her best friend patted down her hair, smoothed it out of her face. "But you know what? He'd want you to be strong. He never wanted you to hurt. He loved you more than anything else. Will you be strong for him?"

"Yes," she heard herself say.

She was led inside, put in the spare bedroom in the suite. A thick blanket was wrapped around her shaking form. Glinda tended to her for the night, letting her cry. And then, once she could cry no more, she began to heal.


	15. Epilouge: Better To Have Dreamed

_Epilouge- Better To Have Dreamed_

A few months later, just at the beginning of spring, Lady Glinda Chuffery dropped in to Colwen Grounds for an unannounced visit; she had Elphaba with her. The Thropp family had never expected to see her again. The Eminent Thropp even made an appearance- his health had begun to fail that winter. Nanny cried some. Frex embraced his oldest daughter, his religious zeal having cooled since her assumed death years before. He didn't even comment on her by now very apparent pregnancy. That task was given to Nessarose, who seemed to have absorbed her father's discarded religion.

Elphaba didn't answer at first- they all could tell _something_had happened. She was quieter and calmer than they remembered. But she had been a teenage girl when she left and more than a few changes had taken place. Glinda pursed her lips, ready to come up with some explanation but it wasn't necessary. "Can we all sit?" Elphaba asked, feeling a bit like a child in the house she'd only been in once, at the age of two.

Frex nodded, taking her arm. They all settled into the formal sitting room, Glinda grasping Elphaba's hand for support. "I... I left Shiz because I fell in love." Glinda tensed up, and Nessarose and Nanny exchanged a glance. They both could remember the odd little romance she had had at Shiz. "And I was living in the City and I realized we were going to have a child... but then he died."

"You were widowed?" Frex said, hoping she'd at least married.

She didn't confirm or deny it. "And when I found him...dead, that is, I went to Glinda. And she convinced me to come home. That is, if you'll all still have me."

"Of course we will, dearie." Nanny patted her knee- she hadn't shrunk away from Melena after hearing of her affairs and granted Elphaba the same courtesy.

As Fiyero had wanted, she had a home again. She was safe, her relationship with her family as mended as it would ever be. There was a bit of drama over which sister would inherit their Great-Grandfather's title but Elphaba was quick to assure Nessarose that she didn't want it. Nessa perked up and then seemed quite happy in her role as future aunt.

The birth was a quiet affair. Glinda had returned to her home after Elphaba had settled in, but had come back out in time. A boy was born, that Elphaba named Liir. When the colorless birth eyes had brightened to a distinct shade of blue that was known to be present in the Arjiki royal family's line there was a little stir but in the end no one dared comment on it.

Once she had been left alone with her son, their son for the first time, Elphaba let out the breath she felt like she had been holding for years. She hadn't succeeded in saving the love of her life, but she hadn't thrown away his love for her. She wasn't forced to spend the rest of her life asking 'what if's, wishing she had truly had him. She had. And she had their son to show for it. That sweet, loving chapter of her life had ended. But she was not alone.

_The End_

* * *

Seeing as I'm still here to post this, I guess it means you haven't killed me yet for killing Fiyero. This was something I'd wanted to do for awhile, right something darker. I'm very pleased with how it turned out and hope no one was too disappointed in that our Yero died.

What's on the horizon? Well, I've got three projects in the outlining phase. Which means I have a fifty percent chance of writing at least one of them. Seriously, for every story that comes to light, I have about six outlines that just don't work for whatever reason. One is a sequel to You Can Do All I Couldn't Do... which is probably the least likely to come to light. There's also a Nessarose centric musicalverse fic that came to me a few days ago. Also, another bookverse Fiyeraba romance, this one more than a little AU... so if you REALLY are interested in reading one of those stories, tell me in a review.

Thank you all for reading.

xoxo

Tiggy


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